Chris (cru) wrote,

The Zen Art of Golf

The textbox I'm typing into right now has a title of "Event:". I think, for the first time in the history of my journal, a post is truly deserving of such a title.

I was drinking some beers last night with my roommates and we decided to head over to Haggin Oaks to hit some golf balls. I mean, we would use golf clubs. To hit golf balls. Then said balls would sail out into the driving range. Out of harm's way.

Tim, Adam, and I drove out and met up with our buddy Kurtis. Kurtis is an eccentric individual. He loves simple pleasures, like butter in his ass and lollipops in his mouth, but that's neither here nor there. Kurt works as a server and, luckily for everyone involved, is part-time training to become an EMT.

The time is currently 11:05 pm. I'm hitting balls and my driver is ON, baby! I'm gettin a stiffy every time I spank one out, cause I really suck at golf. I notice that Kurt is not doing as well as I am, shanking a few here and there. He's not a golf expert, but who is? You? what? Anyway, the next time I see him swing, it's only about .043 seconds afterwards that I see an incredibly fast moving UFO rocketing past me about 12 inches to the left of my beautiful face. It's small, circular, and white.

I barely had enough time to thank my lucky stars that the UFO had not decided to target me when I turned around and noticed that the small, delicate Asian woman behind me had not fared so well. The UFO had connected with her head about an inch above her eye, leaving a nasty two-inch gash, bounced out into the range, and made its' escape....before we left there was a guy driving a big tractor out in the driving range, presumably looking for the UFO that wreaked all the havoc. I hope they find that motherfucker. They'll be able to identify it by the skin, hair, and blood no doubt plastered to it.

Man she went down like a somebody had hit her in the eye with a golf ball or something. She was obviously in extreme pain, and from the looks of the blood gushing out of her eyebrow, she would need immediate medical assistance.

Here's the important part of the story: with no regard for his own safety, my buddy Kurt rushes onto the scene to examine the woman, assess her injuries, bark out some orders for a cell phone and some tissues, and proceed to treat and comfort the woman until paramedics arrive. It took probably 10 minutes for the ambulance AND fire truck to arrive, during which time the woman progressed from writhing on the ground in pain, to sitting upright and crying, to laying on her back mumbling some stuff, to violently shaking while she was in shock, to calming down when the medics finally arrived, to being wheeled away on a stretcher.

That shit really killed my buzz, man.

And bravo, Kurt, for taking charge of the situation and averting a potential tragedy at the all-night driving range.

P.S. I am never going golfing with you again Kurt. I don't care if you can treat my injuries afterwards...
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